This time last year, I was a new teacher. All of my classes were set and I basically had every kid that I would have for the rest of the year. I miss those kids, but, also, I don't.
I've been reading Sleep is for the Weak. It was my anniversary gift. If you haven't read this book, it's hilarious. But this is not a book review. There is one vintage Amalah post in there that made me laugh until tears rolled down my face. I remember reading it online when she wrote it and laughing then, too. First time I read it, I was struggling as a new mom, just trying to get out of the house once a day with the baby. Sometimes, we never made it anywhere. Re-reading the post printed in book form, there's a line that so completely reminds me of last year that I might embroider it so I can keep it on my desk.
"DO NOT LOOK TEENAGERS DIRECTLY IN THE EYES. IT CHALLENGES THEM."
That could have been my mantra while I was teaching, especially during certain periods of the day. No teacher should have classes that they dread, but I did. I had classes that I prayed would get cancelled because of this or that. Just one less day with that class.
I hate that I am still looking for a job, but it's more about the insurance and lack of money than any desire to stay with my kids another year. There are a few that truly made my day every day and I will go to graduation in May just to see them and I will probably cry. But, mostly, I would have hated being there another year. I want to be happy to go work. I don't expect every day to be all sunshine and roses, but I'd like it to be something I look forward to at least a little.
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
It seems like a lifetime ago
(I wanted this to post on 8-21, but it's 12:10 a.m. on 8-22 and I just got home from work so that wasn't possible)
In 1999, I turned 26 years old. I was married to my first husband and we found out that I was pregnant in February or March. We were excited, especially once I got past the 12 week point that I had miscarried at before. We went for the ultrasound and they didn't say much really. Then I went to see my ob/gyn the next week and he said that, based on my ultrasound, he was referring me to a maternal-fetal specialist in Nashville. An appointment was made for me to go in mid-May. No one had told me that anything was wrong at that point.
My mother took me to Nashville for my appointment. When we got to the specialist's office, they did another ultrasound. The tech who did it said nothing. She just said that she would get the doctor and he would explain it to me. She also went and got my mom. The doctor came in and explained that my baby had no kidneys and no bladder and that there was very little amniotic fluid. Did I remember having a gush of any sort? I said that I didn't. He explained further that the amniotic fluid is what helps the baby to learn to breathe and that with no kidneys, there was nothing that could be done for my baby. Essentially, this was a condition incompatible with life. He offered to do a placental biopsy that day to try and figure out what went wrong. Was it genetic? He didn't know.
The biopsy itself didn't hurt. It was a large needle and he stuck it through my abdomen into the placenta in my uterus. While he had it in there, he wiggled it around because sometimes that could cause a miscarriage. I was on Medicaid at the time and would have to carry until I delivered if I didn't miscarry. I went home not knowing the results of the biopsy.
I think he called with the results the next day. That's the only part I don't remember. The baby was a boy and was genetically perfect. It was an an anomaly or a series of anomalies, really. He had Potter's Syndrome and, if you look it up, it really does say, "This condition is incompatible with life."
My life carried on. Although, there was no baby shower. No baby gifts. No baby anything. Just this baby who remained inside me and only lived because of that. As the summer wore on, I grew a little larger. Not much since there was no fluid. Potter's babies develop smaller than normal babies because they are in a cramped space. He kicked and moved often though. It just hurt much worse than when Quincy kicked and moved because there was no cushion.
Finally, after midnight on August 21, I went into labor. I went to labor and delivery, where I was already 5 centimeters dilated. They hooked me up a fetal monitor and offered me an epidural. By the time the anesthesiologist got there, I was at 10 centimeters so I got a spinal block instead. Prior to that, they gave me Stadol, which didn't help much. I remember a few pushes. Someone switched off the fetal monitor. No one said anything.
My first son, Christian, was born and died on August 21, 1999.
In 1999, I turned 26 years old. I was married to my first husband and we found out that I was pregnant in February or March. We were excited, especially once I got past the 12 week point that I had miscarried at before. We went for the ultrasound and they didn't say much really. Then I went to see my ob/gyn the next week and he said that, based on my ultrasound, he was referring me to a maternal-fetal specialist in Nashville. An appointment was made for me to go in mid-May. No one had told me that anything was wrong at that point.
My mother took me to Nashville for my appointment. When we got to the specialist's office, they did another ultrasound. The tech who did it said nothing. She just said that she would get the doctor and he would explain it to me. She also went and got my mom. The doctor came in and explained that my baby had no kidneys and no bladder and that there was very little amniotic fluid. Did I remember having a gush of any sort? I said that I didn't. He explained further that the amniotic fluid is what helps the baby to learn to breathe and that with no kidneys, there was nothing that could be done for my baby. Essentially, this was a condition incompatible with life. He offered to do a placental biopsy that day to try and figure out what went wrong. Was it genetic? He didn't know.
The biopsy itself didn't hurt. It was a large needle and he stuck it through my abdomen into the placenta in my uterus. While he had it in there, he wiggled it around because sometimes that could cause a miscarriage. I was on Medicaid at the time and would have to carry until I delivered if I didn't miscarry. I went home not knowing the results of the biopsy.
I think he called with the results the next day. That's the only part I don't remember. The baby was a boy and was genetically perfect. It was an an anomaly or a series of anomalies, really. He had Potter's Syndrome and, if you look it up, it really does say, "This condition is incompatible with life."
My life carried on. Although, there was no baby shower. No baby gifts. No baby anything. Just this baby who remained inside me and only lived because of that. As the summer wore on, I grew a little larger. Not much since there was no fluid. Potter's babies develop smaller than normal babies because they are in a cramped space. He kicked and moved often though. It just hurt much worse than when Quincy kicked and moved because there was no cushion.
Finally, after midnight on August 21, I went into labor. I went to labor and delivery, where I was already 5 centimeters dilated. They hooked me up a fetal monitor and offered me an epidural. By the time the anesthesiologist got there, I was at 10 centimeters so I got a spinal block instead. Prior to that, they gave me Stadol, which didn't help much. I remember a few pushes. Someone switched off the fetal monitor. No one said anything.
My first son, Christian, was born and died on August 21, 1999.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Memories
It's amazing how the mind forgets so many negatives from the past. I had a boyfriend through most of the first part of college who lived 6 hours away from me. He was younger and still in high school. I saw him maybe three times a year, but he wrote me letters at college and called me. He took me to my first real party one time when I was visiting him in Illinois.
I was such a nerd in high school that I never went to parties. I mostly sat home with a book. But not when I was around this boy. I doubt he ever sat home with a book. He seemed to always be active, at least when I was there. He would take me to this friends house or to the park, push me in the swings. We would go to the college campus and I would watch him skateboard.
He seemed really romantic when I was nineteen. The memories of him seem really romantic now actually and I haven't seen him in 14 years, which is a really long time, even longer than I knew him. Still, he even drove to my boring little town in Tennessee from Illinois to see me (6 hours!). I remember thinking that was the sweetest thing.
Apparently my mind glosses over the fact that he dated other girls the 360 days of the year that I was not around. He even moved in with one before our relationship truly ended. At least, that spelled the end of it for me though. Still, when he came through Tennessee on the way to Georgia later that year, he stopped by my parents house to see me. He even went to the house next door because he couldn't remember for certain which house it was. Awwwwwwwww!!
I thought he was the love of my life until I met my husband. I still wish I knew where he was. His mother is in Illinois, so is his sister. I think his father is in Michigan. I'm putting this out there in the hopes that maybe he uses the Internet. He'd be 32 now. Sean Aljabori, if you read this, please comment.
I was such a nerd in high school that I never went to parties. I mostly sat home with a book. But not when I was around this boy. I doubt he ever sat home with a book. He seemed to always be active, at least when I was there. He would take me to this friends house or to the park, push me in the swings. We would go to the college campus and I would watch him skateboard.
He seemed really romantic when I was nineteen. The memories of him seem really romantic now actually and I haven't seen him in 14 years, which is a really long time, even longer than I knew him. Still, he even drove to my boring little town in Tennessee from Illinois to see me (6 hours!). I remember thinking that was the sweetest thing.
Apparently my mind glosses over the fact that he dated other girls the 360 days of the year that I was not around. He even moved in with one before our relationship truly ended. At least, that spelled the end of it for me though. Still, when he came through Tennessee on the way to Georgia later that year, he stopped by my parents house to see me. He even went to the house next door because he couldn't remember for certain which house it was. Awwwwwwwww!!
I thought he was the love of my life until I met my husband. I still wish I knew where he was. His mother is in Illinois, so is his sister. I think his father is in Michigan. I'm putting this out there in the hopes that maybe he uses the Internet. He'd be 32 now. Sean Aljabori, if you read this, please comment.
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