What does this say about me?

I realized the other day that it's a good thing I'm married because I have questionable taste in men. I mean, I find myself attracted to guys who would be good fling material, but not relationship material.

I got lucky with my husband. I mean, sure, he annoys me sometimes and we have the same fight over and over, but he has redeeming qualities. He is amazingly responsible with money and with things like life insurance. He cleans the house because I am often completely exhausted when I am home. He does the dishes because, well, I don't.

Would another guy do that? Maybe.

Would guys I think are attractive (ie. good for a roll in the hay)? Probably not.

I wonder sometimes if I am good relationship material. I mean, I'm almost always in a good mood. I usually have a smile for anyone. I like to push to get the necessary tasks done so I have free time to sit on my ass. This would be why I make lists. That way, things get done. The whole sitting on my ass a lot thing does not make me a great catch though. It does mean that I probably know what is happening on my favorite TV show at any given time. Oh, and I read a lot of books. A lot. Really.

Life at the moment

My husband and I are nearing the 5th anniversary. I'm happy. I guess. Is a happy marriage one that you're content in? I'm content and comfortable. And annoyed.

I get tired of being home alone all the time with no one to talk to but my 4 year old. I am tired of never spending any time with my husband. Scratch that, we spend time together, but we're both asleep.

Is marriage, at this point, supposed to feel kind of like having a roommate? One who kisses you in passing every once in a while?

Maybe I read too many romance novels and have seen "Twilight" too many times. I want my relationship to be similar to Edward and Bella's. To be someone's "own personal brand of heroin." Is that even possible after this many years together?

Quincy has been in Florida all week and we really only got to spend one day together. Well, we spent Sunday together, but I had fever and was pukey and nauseous. I'm not counting that. Our one day together, we had two arguments. I thought one of them would never end. Quincy gets back tomorrow and I am looking forward to that.

*sigh* I wish

A side effect of the over-analyzing/over-thinking thing is that it eats up large amounts of my time. I tend to do it when I'm alone, which is much of the time (pretty much always at night until 4 a.m. or so). Since I have no one to talk to, there's nobody to keep me from thinking myself into a funk.

I HATE thoughts going round and round in my head. It makes it really hard to lie down and go to sleep. I should have done more today, then I would have something to be tired from and be sleeping now instead of rambling incoherently.

I wish I had a husband who was home at this hour, who got up with the sun and spent mornings with me. One who did not sleep half the day and stay up half the night. That schedule is great for single people, but not so much for a marriage. I knew he was a late night owl when I married him, but I hoped it would shift a little. Yes, I know, people don't often change in any important way. It's unrealistic to expect that someone will. Still, I wish.

While I am at it, I wish he wrote me poetry or songs. I wish he made me laugh more often. There's something great about a person who can make people laugh. I wish he remembered birthdays and bought cards. Also, Mother's Day. *sigh* I wish he were around to make me smile more.

Yes, I'm being unrealistic. I know he'll never change. Still, I wish.

My impromptu diet

I don't know that I have ever mentioned it, but I weigh between 105 and 110 pounds on any given day. At 5'2", this does not make me physically impressive or intimidating. It does often make me feel like Susan the Happy Trotting Elf, from Coupling. When I was younger, I really did kind of resemble her, except I was never blonde.

All of that is buildup to say that I try constantly to maintain my weight. Sometimes, I spend time attempting to gain weight. It hardly ever works (don't hate me!). This week, I had a canker sore right inside the corner of my mouth. If I were trying to lose weight, this would have been a good way to go about it. I mean, I eat tacos at least once a week with hot sauce on them. I did that this week also, but it hurt. Other things that hurt to eat: pizza, chocolate, ketchup, mustard, salsa, anything with salt. That covers a lot of my diet. I had to cut many usual foods out.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I was forced into dieting this week. I couldn't even drink out a straw last Saturday. It hurt to put my lips like that. Kissing hurt, also. I don't think I lost any weight though so don't go around hoping to get a canker sore. You'll just been in pain for a while. Oh, and I couldn't smile right for about a week, so I am sure that customers at work either thought I was creepy or in a bad mood.

I can't find Susan the Happy Trotting Elf on YouTube so here's Steve's first date with her.

Facebook Phenomenon (Phenomena?)

Just like everyone else I know, I use Facebook as a way to reconnect with people I have not seen in umpteen years. To a lesser degree, MySpace is good for this, too, but more of my old friends are on Facebook. Understandably, some of the people that I find were mere acquaintances in the first place and so, after the initial, "How are you?" email, we don't talk much anymore.

It's the others that are few and far between that perplex me. If you were close to someone many years ago, lost touch, and reconnect, should you expect that intimacy to still be there? Is that unrealistic? I don't think so. I think if it is someone who knew you very well before, then they probably still know you pretty well now. Sure, you'll both have changed due to life experiences, but people remain basically the same.

I'm wondering if there's a false sense of intimacy there though. I mean, just because I feel still close to a person, doesn't necessarily mean they feel the same about me, right? Just because I care about them, still, they may not feel the same way.

I have a lot of friends that are superficial, "Hi, How are you?" friends who do not really care what the answer to that question is. I have enough of those. I can pretty much count on one hand the number of people who have opinions that I value. When I reconnect with one of these people, am I maybe expecting too much?

My head may explode!!!

Just went into town, paid bills, and bought some lunch. While we were in the McDonald's drive-thru, I very clearly asked my child if he wanted anything. He told me no. I assumed that meant no.

Fast forward to our return home and he sat down at the table and began to take my food out of my bag. First, he declared that, "This is my food! No, wait, you share your food with me Mommy!" Then, he said, "You give your food to me Mommy!" When he was told no, he asked me to go out and get him some also. Now, we live 20 minutes from town. I refused to drive to the nearest McDonald's. I bought a fish sandwich for lunch. I offered to make him fish. At first, he was reluctant. Now, he is sitting on the couch happily eating shrimp, which I just caught him sharing with the dog.

Once this situation was resolved satisfactorily and he agreed to the shrimp, I walked up to my husband and asked, "If my head explodes, will you clean it up?"

He said, "No. I would just move."

Why are four year olds so difficult?

Let's pretend this week never happened

Besides the disappointing Super Bowl Sunday, there were other sucky things about last weekend. One of my best friends has this dog who is the spazziest thing and also the most terrified of so many objects/people I've ever seen. Her live-in boyfriend has a three year old. The dog is scared to death of him, which, I don't blame her. He chases her and runs at her and pokes her and stuff. So last Saturday afternoon, her boyfriend was holding his son and the son probably did something to the dog (he says not) and the dog jumped up and bit the boy in the face. She might have scratched him, too. Yes, it looked bad. His eye was swollen and such.

It would have stopped there, but the boyfriend's ex-wife lives with her parents and she took her son to the E.R. that night. The doctor there said it wasn't bad enough to report to the police or anything and the son ended up with three stitches. The ex-wife's father called the police anyway and so my friend felt compelled to get rid of her dog. It was decided that her mom would drive down from Wisconsin on Sunday and pick up the dog and go home Monday.

Then the story takes a scary turn. Her mom left Wisconsin around 8 a.m. on Sunday and never got here. They had no idea where she was and she has no cell phone. She showed up early Tuesday morning (I think) wandering in a Chicago hotel, knocking on doors. They took her to the hospital and she was very confused and didn't remember how she got there. Once she got home, her doctor did some tests and all they've said is that she might be diabetic. They still have no idea where she left her car or how long or how far she walked.

I had my own scare on Tuesday. My grandparents are 86 and 83. They drive all over the place. Tuesday around noon, they were leaving Home Depot, when a woman ran a red light. She hit the car on my grandfather's side (he was driving) and spun the car around. Their car mashed into a 2008 Nissan Armada, which hit the car behind it, which hit the car behind it. All in all, the lady wrecked four cars, not counting hers. When my grandparents car hit the Armada, it hit on my grandmother's side, pushing her door and door-frame in and into her hip and side. During the spin, her head also hit the windshield, breaking it from the inside. The airbags also deployed. They were unable to open my grandmother's door. My grandfather walked away from the crash okay, but my grandmother had a cut on her forehead that had to be stapled and they put a cuff around her neck. They took that off after they did a cat scan, but they also found 3 spots on her brain that were bleeding. They kept her overnight, but sent her home the next day after another cat scan. She has to have two more cat scan's to make sure the three spots are healing.

I'm really, really hoping that next week is better, what with Valentine's Day and all.

Why I need someone else around

Besides the fact the my four year old cannot operate the camera.

I tried to take a picture of my own back piece. In the mirror. It would have worked out fine if I had eyes on the back of my head, but I don't. The picture came out a little lop-sided and not really close up enough. I'm making my husband retake it if he's ever home when I am awake.



It's actually 3 tattoos. Japanese Kanji. They mean, separately, Promise, Peace, Tranquility.
I interpret the piece as a whole to mean "The Promise of Peace and Tranquility."

It's the largest piece I have. I got it on a day in January in 2003. It was clear when I went in and snowing when I walked out.

It had been three and a half years since my son died and I was beginning to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. I had been walking in a haze for a while and I felt more clear headed than ever when I went to get this done. I actually felt like I might have peace and happiness in my life again someday. Not just fleeting moments, but lasting ones.

I was pretty scared to get it done because I have no other pieces on my back and this one is right on my spine. I thought that it might hurt and it did. I cursed a lot during it. The tattoo artist even lied to me a few times and told me that he was almost done. He wasn't. :)

It came out pretty good. I just need a clearer picture of it. Also, a not lopsided one.

ennui

The other day, my son looked at me, pointed, and said, "Mommy, you are boring!"

I guess that was less insulting than the many times he has told me to stop singing, just stop singing now.

When I saw my husband, I asked him if he told our child to say that to me. He claims Quincy got it from TV. Whatever. He also told me that he thinks I am boring when I read a book or watch TV.

Pardon me, but I work 60 or more hours some weeks. Getting to read a book or watch TV is exciting to me. Add in the fact that I could not read a book, or only read maybe one book a year, for the first few years of Quincy's life and it's downright thrilling to read something besides Goodnight Moon.

I'm not really sure what I am expected to do that would be so interesting. I mean, sometimes something worth mentioning happens at school, sometimes something notable happens at work. Normally, I just complain about both, which probably is a little boring.

I think this all goes back to the need for a date night. The logistics of that escape me though. I work pretty much all week. My husband works when I am home. That's how we manage not to pay for childcare.

I'm still insulted.

I didn't used to be boring. I mean, I don't bore myself. I am probably boring you right now.

Back when I was single, people were always calling me, wanting to go out, and I went out. I would have rather stayed home a lot of those times. I always had a different significant other. I had my two schnauzers. I would have been happy sitting at home with them. I might have ended up that little old lady with the dogs if I had never asked out my husband. I guess then maybe I might have felt I was a little boring. Still, there is usually someone somewhere that shares my interests and I would probably have found that person.

But, like I said, as a well-read, educated, mother of a four year old who has had lots of life experiences to learn from, has some great body art with stories behind most of it, I don't find myself boring even if I am sitting around with a book.

*huff* Still insulted that my husband does. I had better get a really good Valentine's Day gift. One that does not require dropping hints for the next few weeks.

What the Hell...Spawn of Satan

My three year old has suddenly turned into the toddler from hell. I think it's just that he got up at 6:30 this morning and only took an hour nap this afternoon. Still, was that any reason to spit lemonade on my floor and then throw his cup when I said he had to clean it up? Let me add that he broke two blinds when he threw the cup. I don't know if this is a reaction to my being gone at school all day or what. He cried some about my not being here a few weeks ago. Now, he's used to it and he seems to not want me around.

Last night, I needed him to take a bath. He was filthy and it was 8:30. I started bath watter, which usually brings him running. He ran away instead and I had to chase him and then carry 35+ pounds of kicking, screaming, toddler in there. I had to hold with one hand while he struggled like a wildcat as I stripped off his clothes. After much wrestling, I got him in the tub and he was not crying anymore. He was pissed. He started throwing handfuls of water at me. When I was thoroughly soaked, he laughed and then cried for Daddy. How is this rational behavior?

Last night was not the first time he has cried for Daddy when I am here at night. I've heard, "Where is Daddy? Make him come home" along with "Why did Daddy go to work?" and "I want Daddy!!!!!!" It's been a little bit heart-breaking because he's always been a mama's boy and suddenly, he's not. He'll be four in three weeks and he doesn't even want me around. I was already upset because, "OMG, my baby is going to be four." The Daddy thing just makes me want to go cry into my pillow.

Frustration and Idiocy

I used to love my second job. It's the job I go to where I rarely have to think. I can do it in my sleep, literally. I mean, it's pizza, it's food service, it's not hard. I just smile and nod, smile and nod. I can pretty much pick my hours and my days off. If I say I'd rather not work with someone, then I don't all that often. It's pretty sweet. Except for the customers, sometimes they suck.

Lately, though, it's gotten frustrating. I don't know if it's that there are people there that really, truly, rub me the wrong way or what. (and I'm not talking about Richard--he doesn't bother me all that much lately. As a side note, I've discovered that he's only an ass when there's an audience. One on one, he's intelligent and sometimes interesting. Odd though and I'm probably somehow deluded.) Anyway, I honestly cannot believe that steam has not literally come out of my ears or that the top of my head hasn't blown off. My blood pressure must be through the roof when I am there. The sheer idiocy of my co-workers astounds me sometimes.

I am so glad that I am teaching again, even if it is only for a few weeks. It's a great school with wonderful kids. Plus I love my co-workers there.

On a completely unrelated note, I wish my last two Stephenie Meyer books would come while I have time to read them.:)

My "friend" has come to visit!!

The pregnancy tests were all right. I'm not pregnant, just late. Weird since I was two days early the last two months, but whatever. This just supports my claims to my husband that even if we halfway try to get pregnant by keeping track of ovulation and all that, still nothing happens. I think it will be a while before we have another child just because of that, if we ever do. We definitely got lucky with Quincy.

Quincy did tell me last night that if he had a baby brother or sister then he would turn on his night light so it would not get scared, cover it with a blanket, hug it and love it, and share his toys "to" it (as he says). I thought that everything he said was very sweet.

I do hope this is the end of drama in my life for the month. Now back to the business of finding a day job. There only seem to be jobs in Nashville, which requires driving about half an hour. I know that is not far, but I would like to find something around here if possible. Going to look now.