Once in a while you get shown the light...

in the strangest of places if you look at it right. Someome wrote that on a wedding card to my husband and I. It's a Grateful Dead lyric, but it rings very true for me. I knew my husband for 2 years before we began to date and fell in love with him the first time he held my hand. One kiss and I knew.

The pregnancy scared me though. I had a son in August of 1999 who was stillborn and I knew he'd be stillborn so you'd have thought I'd be prepared, but despite reading all about grief I wasn't. I had nightmares for 2 years that he was crying in the dark and couldn't find his way out and didn't understand why I placed him in that cold dark box. It seemed he always pleaded to get out and asked me again and again to hold him and he never changed or got any bigger. He always looked like a miniature version of my father. The nightmares stopped after a while only to return briefly once I got over the shock of finding myself pregnant. First, I was afraid my baby would have no heartbeat. Then, when there was a heartbeat, I was certain he'd have to same afflictions as my previous son who had a heartbeat right up until delivery. Despite assurances that this baby was healthy and perfect, I always expected something to happen. Then the heartbeat disappeared while I was in labor and they said I was losing too much blood. They were all ready to set up for an emergency c-section when the internal monitor picked up the heartbeat strong and true. A short time later, there was my baby looking about like he wanted to learn everything about the world at once.

I'm not sure where I was going with this except to say that I think it's a miracle every time I look at my son and my husband. They are both amazing people...